What I'm Too Scared to Tell You...

This is meant for someone in particular.

I miss you, and want you to know I’m truly sorry for any pain or unwanted emotion I put you through. Is it weird that I’m actually praying for your indifference? Ha I know you don’t need and (maybe by now) even want me in your life. Who knows, maybe you won’t even find this. I just wanted to let you know that I miss you, and I’m sorry. Ive been hanging on when youve made it clear for me to let go. I genuinely hope you have a fantastic life. Goodbye.

It’s been the craziest couple of months. Life threw me some punches, and although I came crazy close to being knocked out…my fire for life is still burning. I felt like it was time to sit down and write a little, not for any particular audience, but more for my own benefit. Ever since I withdrew from college and showed up at this godforsaken ranch I’ve had time to think about things….in fact, it’s the only way to spend my days….reflecting; since life is at a standstill. I’ve had to deal with my demons, and for that I believe I’ve become stronger. It’s something I suggest everyone do. Being at a “Christian” ranch to deal with medical issues has taken it’s toll on me a bit…I love Jesus, but I cannot stand those that “claim the name” and show me nothing but hate when it comes to the way I live my life. As a young adult that has said to be “battling her sexuality” since before anyone cares to remember, it’s been difficult opening up that small but significant part of what makes me…me. I am a lesbian. I am a Christian. The hate I receive from both parties has been overwhelming. Just while I’ve been here, in the middle of NOWHERE, I have faced so many views and opinions trying to sway me out of parts of my life that no one but myself sees as permanent. No, I will not be “healed” of my homosexuality, nor do I desire to be. No, I will not flee from my faith in the Lord who made no mistakes when He made me in the secret place, and I will never again be manipulated into believing I have to. I have finally come to a place where I can admit that I don’t know all the answers, but I will not let that stop me from becoming the best “me” there can possibly be. I choose to be extraordinary. I choose to live above the hate and above the earthly judgement. I chose to love full-heartedly and free from fear. It’s what I deserve; it’s what my future deserves.
On a similar note, I’ve been dealing with a lot of insecurity in regards to my future. Now that I’ve faced the ugliest parts of myself…im scared as to how those parts of myself will affect me in future relationships. Who will love me past the scars (emotional and physical), the ups and downs, and the insecurities I have to readdress every passing day of my life? And if I am lucky enough to find that person, how do I deal with the pain of knowing how unworthy I am of their affection? How can I allow someone to be with me… if I care for them shouldn’t I put what’s best for their life above my happiness of their companionship with me? Just some unanswered questions that have been robbing me of my peace lately that i needed to get it out. Goodnight Tumblr.

Just wrote a long rant of a post… decided to delete it. I wasn’t being rational. I just hate being sick :/

So, I tried twitter again today after a long hiatus…what I discovered was….twitter is terrible compared to my precious tumblr. I was talking to my “friend”…”more than friend”…”…”, uh, well, I don’t know what to call her… but anyways, I was talking to her and said that I was going to post about how I’m crazy about her (now you know why I was hesitant to just call her a friend) on my Tumblr account…because twitter is dumb. Anywayyys, now I’m going to list a couple reasons why she pretty much consumes my thoughts recently…. 1. She’s beautiful….she doesn’t like me to call her that, but no other word really gives her justice. I mean…this girl….wow. Her smile, her laugh, her everything…just wow lol :) 2. She’s stubborn…which is usually a trait that drives me crazy (in a bad way)….but with her, it’s just cute lol 3. She doesn’t let me control situations, which is reallllly weird for me….but it also shows just how much I like her, because NO ONE can usually have me wrapped around their finger like that lol 4. She gives me butterflies…no matter how long we’ve been talking, sometimes I’ll just stare at her (sorry, I know it’s creepy) and my stomach drops lol 5. She genuinely makes me happy in a way that no one else really can…one small compliment from her and I’m smiling for hours haha It just amazes me that someone so incredible actually “doesn’t dislike me”…. that makes my day all by itself. haha Try saying that in 140 characters ;)